Grandpa Louis Goossen...

My maternal grandpa passed away this week. He was 100 years old and 68 days. In April, we celebrated his 100th birthday and all of the family was here. I was asked to speak at both the birthday party and at his funeral and I wanted to share those messages here. 

Grandpa's Birthday Address

My mom has been asking me for a few weeks to think about a favorite memory I could share tonight. She prompted me with ideas like the time my grandparents tried to get a very stubborn and picky eater  to eat green beans or carrots while I was at their house one summer. I didn’t eat the veggies! I also have great memories of coming to visit in the summer, eating Amigos tacos, bowling and playing croquet in the yard near grandpa’s office. 

But my favorite memory of my grandpa is more spiritual and personal in nature. My moms whole branch of this family are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. As a child I remember there being some concern about the church my mom had chosen to raise us in. But as time passed and my grandparents watched and met some of our friends of the same faith, that concern turned to openness. As far as openness goes my grandpa has been the most open person I have met so far. I have given a lot of people copies of the Book of Mormon and invited them to read it but my grandpa is the only one who ever actually read the entire book. He’s not a reader but he devoured that book. And when he was done, he wanted to share it with others. He didn’t understand why the Christian book store in town didn’t carry copies of the Book of Mormon because as he read it, it testified to him of his Savior, Jesus Christ just as it has to me and my family. 

I wanted to share this experience because to me it really highlights some of my grandpa’s strengths. One strength is his openness. His openness to other people and his openness to new ideas. It also shows his willingness to take risks that not everyone is willing to take. And of course it shows his faith - his desire to share Jesus Christ with others and his respect for those of different faiths. I can only assume his faith and his testimony have reached and impacted many outside of our family as well.

Grandpa's Funeral Address

I won’t share all of my memories or thoughts today but I hope what I do share will highlight some of my grandpa’s great qualities and honor who he was.

Jesus was the only flawless man. My grandpa, like all of us, had quirks and flaws that sometimes made those close to him roll their eyes or pull their hair. His optimism and tenacity, while 2 of his greatest strengths, could also be challenging to deal with. 

Today, I want to talk about some of the good in my grandpa because there was A LOT of good in that man. My grandpa was a visionary man. As we drove into Flowing Spring yesterday and saw the ponds, trees, flowers and beautiful homes, I was reminded of this. He was the one who dreamed this whole thing up.

My grandpa was an idea man. When I was 7 years old he figured out a way to teach me to water ski more easily. He attached a pole to the boat that I could hold on to to get a feel for the water. Then later they pulled me up the traditional way. By the end of that week in the Ozarks I was skiing so long they had to force me to stop.

My grandpa was a problem solver. When his driver’s license expired on his birthday in April, he figured out that he culd still get around on a golf cart. He practiced until he mastered driving it. Just 2 weeks ago on Thursday, he snuck out of the office and drove his golf cart to the bank to make a deposit. I told you he was tenacious!

My grandpa was a risk taker. When we played Rook together, he was always the one encouraging you to bid a little higher or take a risk to take the bid. My son Caden, who isn’t here today, remembers a time when he bid the full bid of 120 and didn’t even have the 14. But Grandpa was his partner and came through for him with all the right cards. Grandpa loved victories like that and was always optimistic even if his team got behind. 

My grandpa didn’t let age or physical setbacks stop him. He was 70 years old the first time he snow skiied. Our family was in Colorado and he decided he wanted to ski with us. He learned quickly and had a fun time doing something new. Later in life, he broke his hip 3 times but didn’t let that stop him from getting around and going to the office 6 days a week.

My grandpa was a devoted husband, father and grandfater. He found joy in the antics and accomplishments of his posterity. He loved holding the little ones on his lap and talking to them. He was always up for a game. When we were younger he always had a camera taking lots of pictures to remember our time together. He was happy to see us growing, doing good things, graduating and moving forward. I think the fact that all 3 of his kids dropped everything to be by his side almost constantly for the past 2 weeks is a testament to his love for them and their love for him. I never doubted his loyalty to my grandma or his devotion to her.

My grandpa was a man of faith who did his best to walk as Jesus walked. He loved and helped other people in the way Jesus taught. Grandma and Grandpa were always giving rides to church and other activities to those who were more infirm thatn them. I remember Grandpa planting crops in extra land he owned to donate to those in need. His focus was on people. Even his business ideas were aimed at making life easier or better for people he knew. When we were here in April, he told us about his smoke jumping experience and still remembered so many names of the people he worked with almost 80 years ago. We also drove around Flowing Springs and Covered Bridge Heights. He knew so many details about the people living in the neighborhood. He was truly interested in and invested in the welfare of others.

He truly was a great man! He lived a vibrant and full life. He was still so mentally sharp and so invested in living the best life he could. Three broken hips didn’t get him down. Losing his driver’s license didn’t get him down. He kept having ideas and solving problems and taking risks until his body just absolutely wouldn’t let him go any longer. He was a great example of how to work hard, love well, dream big and live honorably!

Grandpa, we will miss you! We love you! We’ll see you on the other side!

Taxi Cab Mom...

Thankfully not all days are like this, but today was a busy one in the car. I left work at 4:30 and drove 20 minutes to the high school to pick up Caden. We drove through Taco Casa to get him some food since he forgot his lunch and hadn't eaten all day. Then we drove 10 minutes to my friends house to pick up the girls. We arrived at home around 5:20 to find Parker lying on the grass in the front yard. He had gotten home on the bus at least an hour earlier but was locked out of the house (and since he doesn't have a phone right now, none of us knew). I was home for about an hour. Caden and I ate the crockpot dinner while the little girls and Parker went with Bob for dinner. (Allie still wasn't home from school stuff.) I drove Caden to the high school for saxophone ensemble, went to CVS to pick up Parker's meds, and then to Walgreen for the cherry flavored melatonin the kids like. After that I raced through Kroger trying to get all the things on my grocery list. Then back to the high school to pick up Caden. When we got home, we found out that his friend had been by inviting him to play basketball at the church. Both boys decided to go play basketball so I drove them to the stake center (7 minutes away) and then came back home to clean up the kitchen and put the girls to bed. Just as we started reading scriptures the boys called saying that they couldn't find a ride home and I needed to pick them up. So I drove back to the church to get the boys. So much driving around town this evening. Sage, Caden and I walked the dog, then I put Sage and Parker to bed and cuddled with Sydney for a bit. It is now 10:20. Caden and Allie are still working on homework and I am heading to bed.

Prayers Answered...

Sage got a prize from her teacher today for the first time. It is one of those plastic pencils with the little plastic stacking lead pieces. She threw it in the car when we got home but then couldn't find it. She was REALLY sad about it! So we went to the car and cleaned it from top to bottom with no luck at finding the pencil. I took some things inside and while I was gone she decided to pray. When I came back out she told me that she had prayed. I opened the sliding door slightly to get out a cup and we heard the pencil fall to the ground. There is was! A quick and sure answer to her sincere pray. I suggested that she offer a little prayer of gratitude. She looked up and said sweetly, "Thank you".

Mother's Day...

There were some good moments this Mother's Day and some not-so-good moments. Sydney and I went to church for the last two hours. She didn't want to go to Primary so she stayed with me and we had some one-on-one time. She loved it and I thought it was nice too. The little girls made cards and presents for me at school and church which were really sweet. Parker needed some help on his math homework so we did that and ate together in the afternoon. I enjoyed having that individual time with them.

It is hard when there is no husband/father/man instigating nice happenings for Mother's Day. In some ways, I think it would be easier if the holiday and associated expectations didn't exist. I tried to set my expectations low and do a few things to pamper myself but there was a still a sad, down moment in the afternoon. My teenagers were very much wrapped up in themselves on Sunday and didn't really make any efforts to be kinder or more helpful to me. They are tired and had a busy Saturday with band banquet (which I used up energy I didn't have to help them get ready for...ugh). I was really drained this weekend and really would have appreciated a break that I didn't get. That's part of single mom life I guess (and married mom life for many too).

I did send and receive texts from some of the women that help me mother my children. Those messages were a light to me this week and I want to include some of them here. This mothering work is not easy and this year has been especially challenging with my work and my commute and subsequent lack of time and energy. I hope the things I do will outweigh the things I fail at. I'm pretty sure my kids know they are loved and I hope that is enough.

From my friends:

"You're such a great mom! I love watching the sweet connection you have with your girls."

"Happy Mother's Day to you, too! You do a marvelous job and have WONDERFUL children who are always a pleasure to be around."

"Love your kids! Love you too! Happy Mother's Day to you-you are amazing. I am in awe of all you do every day for your family. You are a mother with all capital letters! Your children know they are loved and it is obvious they love and adore you!"

"Happy Mother's Day Natasha. You are an incredible example to me of motherhood and selfless service and love for your children and those in your life. It's very apparent by all you do and strive for every day."

Family Picture...

This is the family picture my mom had taken for us this year. When I first saw it, I was shocked to see how big my kids are! Several people who received this as our Christmas card picture echoed a similar feeling of shock at how much everyone has grown in a couple of years.

Sydney's Art

Sydney drew a picture of the family when Parker had his broken arm.

Sage's Art

I think the detail Sage added to this hat is pretty impressive. I like her creativity!

This is a family picture she created recently. Bob and Parker are the ones out of the line (Parker with the grumpy face).

Things to Remember...

This has been the most amazing Christmas break! I didn't want to go anywhere and we haven't. I had a few days at the beginning of the break alone which were much needed and enjoyed. Since the kids have been home (12/26) we have been relaxing, crafting, video gaming, watching TV and movies, staying in our pjs a lot and eating yummy food at sporadic times. Next week will be a shock to our systems that have enjoyed and gotten used to late nights and late mornings and no schedule. It has been heaven to have these weeks off!

There are a few things I want to remember about this break. Parker got a $100 gift card to Amazon from Bob's parents. He immediately used a portion of it to buy me, Allie and Caden Christmas gifts. He has such a generous heart at times. When the gifts arrived several days after he purchased them, he could not wait to wrap them and have us open them. He got Allie and I necklaces and gave Caden a new phone case. He had the biggest smile on his face giving and seeing how much we appreciated his gifts.

Sage and Sydney got gift cards to Walmart from Bob's parents. Sage LOVED going through Walmart picking out all the things she wanted. She got a giant stuffed hippo, Moana's necklacke, Maui's hook (from Moana), a license plate for her bike, Hatchimals, and a package of lip glosses she had seen before. She was able to get everything she wanted and was so happy about it. Sydney had a good time spending her gift card as well on a singing/recording bird, a new bike helmet, purple nail polish and a purple sucker.

I bought onesies for Allie and Caden for their Christmas pjs. Parker usually doesn't wear pjs so I bought him a Santa t-shirt instead. After Christmas, he kept asking for a onesie and promised he would wear it. I found one on clearance after Christmas for $5 and he wore it every day after that!

Games the boys played:
Clash of Clans
Clash Royale
Star Wars Battlefront
Madden NFL
Star Wars Battlefront 2
Rocket League
Overwatch

Netflix shows watched:
When Calls the Heart (me)
Gilmore Girls (mostly Allie)

Movies watched:
Zootopia
Boss Baby
Star Wars Rogue One
A Dog's Purpose
Moana

Busy Life...

I knew this year would be difficult but I did not anticipate it being as hard in some ways as it is. Here are some details of life now that I am a full-time working, single parent.

I got a job teaching 5th grade math at a charter school (IL Texas) 45 minutes away. I listen to podcasts and lots of music on Amazon music on the long daily commute. The girls listen to audio books most of the time and music sometimes. The girls come to school with me but the big three are staying at their schools.

I wake up somewhere between 4 and 4:30 to make the morning happen. I read scriptures for a few minutes first thing and on good days I try to fit in a quick 10-15 walk (where I remind myself that I AM strong and capable). I shower everyday but only wash my hair once every three days (which doesn't seem like much since most of my life I have washed my hair daily.) I drive Allie to a friend's house at 5:30 who she rides with to seminary and then school. The little girls wake up at 5:45 and we try to leave the house between 6:15 and 6:30 (they usually eat breakfast and put their shoes on in the car). We drop Caden off at the church 30 minutes before his seminary starts as we head to work/school. He rides with his friends from seminary to school.

Parker is living with Bob right now and Bob takes him to school each day. He comes here after school (either on the bus or with a friend) and stays until Bob picks him up at 5:30. Most days I don't see him because I don't get home until after he has left. He hangs out with me on Thursday evenings and I usually help him with his math homework and catch up on his life.

I try to arrive at work 7:15AM and I'm late after 7:30. I have kids in class at 7:45. It's nice if I'm there earlier but that is not really possible with our tight morning routine.
I leave work around 5 or 5:30PM and get home around 6. The girls and I have to pick up the big kids from marching band around 7PM after a quick stop at home. Freezer-to-crockpot meals that my mom made have been saving us. Weekends without the kids save my sanity and allow me to rejuvenate too.

I like where I work. I like the kids I teach. I want to help all of the kids but there are a lot of struggling learners and I haven't figured that all out yet. It is a very demanding job but I am figuring out some things as I go. I didn't bring any papers home to grade this weekend because I have been able to grade at work this week (something that didn't happen in the first six weeks). There is still work I need to do this weekend to prep for next week but at least there is no grading.

Every week night I go to bed before my high schoolers. All three of us are very tired almost all the time. Even the little girls look forward to sleeping in on the weekends. I drink a Coke in the morning daily since I started working. I have been proud of myself for not needing caffeine in the past and I have accepted that this phase of life REQUIRES it. : )

Food habits: Smoothie with protein powder, frozen berries, banana and orange juice for first breakfast

Coke and KIND granola bar for 2nd breakfast (around 9:15 when I have my conference time at work).

Lunch from home - crackers with meat and cheese stick, Pirates Booty and fruit usually - I love the Amy's gluten free frozen meals too and sometimes I take those.

After school snack while I drive home - Omega-3 nut and dried fruit trail mix that I bag up in advance and pack with my lunch

I weigh less than I have since high school. I guess stress and grief will do that to you.

Poetry...

I wrote this poem about divorce a couple of months ago. I found it in my notebook today and decided to type it up here. (I was inspired by helping Caden with an ABC poem he wrote for ELA this year.)

A Marriage Lost

Accusations fly,
Bitter words,
Custody, child support
Divorce.
Every angle, every word hurts.

Financial strains
Gainful employment needed
Headaches return.
Independent living
Excites and scares the strong ones.

Justifications do not
Keep the hurt at bay.
Loneliness envelopes.
Marriage unraveled.
The lonely ones remain lonely.

Necessary changes
Occasional joy
Parenting alone.
Quiet moments that
Are rare and hard to find.

Reality sets in
Strains on time, energy, and resources.
Tears fall and fall.
Understanding increases
But does not eliminate the grief.

Volumes of healing words
Written with cleansing power.
Yearnings for peace
And love again.
Acceptance will come...with time.

It's my birthday!

It feels like I have been 37 for a really long time. 36 sounds so much younger than 37. The only way I can explain this is to look at all that has happened this year and all that I have learned. This year I did a lot of growing up - not that I was young or immature before - but I grew up a lot this year. I acquired a lot of experience through hard, hard trials this year.

It was on my birthday last year that the last straw was placed - the straw that broke the camel's back. It was on my birthday last year that the Spirit told me I didn't have to do this anymore. I questioned that voice and prayed about the validity of that voice but was reassured that it was Him. This is a quote from my journal last year:

"I felt God tell me that I didn't have to do this anymore. I didn't have to keep fighting these battles of Bob getting off the same page and being untrustworthy and not considering me or my opinion."

It was a few days after that in our counselor's office that I told Bob I wanted a divorce. Something had to change and I knew I needed some separation from him. We decided that night that we still loved each other and would keep working to save our marriage. 

We started co-therapy where we each had a counselor to advocate for us and help us navigate difficult issues. My therapist helped me understand that my old relationship with Bob was dead. I needed a new relationship - either a new relationship with him or a new relationship with someone else. The therapists helped us set up an in-house separation and let us know that 75% of couples who do co-therapy are able to work things out. 

July was an incredibly hard month for me as we worked to set up an in-house separation with the help of our counselors. Bob took over Allie's room upstairs, Allie moved in with the little girls and I had the master bedroom and bath. We traded weekends and nights of being home with the kids and had limited time together in the form of dates, family dinners and FHE. We also continued to go to counseling every week. 

In August I learned something that complicated the situation and broke down trust even more. Even so, we continued to work through things. I was learning how to advocate for myself and not be a victim. I was learning to recognize my needs and practicing how to meet those needs. Bob and I had some good dates during this time and some times where we felt connected instead of disconnected. 

This was the last date we had on September 17. We ate dinner at this little airport, flew over Dallas in a tiny

airplane and then watched the movie Sully at the Moviehouse & Eatery in Keller. 

One night in September Bob told me that he was done going to counseling after a heated disagreement we had. Counseling had been our only hope at that point. Things had still been rocky at best and counseling was one of the few places where I felt safe to make my voice be heard and hope for progress. Because of some breaches of commitments and new information, the in-house separation needed tweaking in order for it to continue to be safe for me. 

In this time it came down to two choices. Will Tasha give up her voice and be a step ford wife and like all of Bob's ideas or will Bob continue to work through his feelings and issues with a counselor? Neither one of us were willing to make the choice that would make things work for the other.

There was another night in October when Bob asked me if I thought we could get divorced without spending a lot of money on lawyers. I knew there was no way we could have a fair separation of assets and custody without outside help. 

On October 31, I officially filed for divorce. Bob found out a week or two later. He hired his own lawyer and we commenced the expensive and stressful process of getting divorced. 

I was ready for Bob to move out after the Christmas holidays (at the latest) but he was adamant about staying in the house until the divorce was final. January was another really miserable, difficult month. I tried to get some better separation/nesting things set up but to no avail (his lawyer was non-responsive for many weeks). We finally had mediation on January 19 where the details of the divorce were laid out (custody, split of assets, etc.) but Bob did not move out until February 5. It was really difficult to be in the same house during those weeks.

The divorce was final on March 29.

Since my birthday last year, I have been thinking about how to make divorce work financially without upsetting the kids lives, schools, location, etc. I applied and interviewed for graduate school in counseling. I got accepted and started my first class in January. I hoped to take more than one class at a time but that is not in the cards yet. I also studied for and got the training to be a substitute teacher in my district. I started working 2-3 days a week subbing in October. I also began the process of becoming alternatively certified as a teacher so I can have a full time job that pays the bills next year. In addition to the normal mom jobs of laundry, taxi-driver, cook, etc., I have also been studying for two teacher certification tests. There are 3 time-consuming parts to the alternative certification process - completing their training courses, taking the teacher certification exams (I took special education and EC 4-8), and 30 hours of classroom observation. I have been doing the observation as part of my substitute jobs which helps. You have to type up responses to several questions about each observation and that takes some time to do.

Parker has also been in out-patient treatment twice this year for his mood disorder/mental health issues. If these don't get/stay better, he will be going to a residential treatment facility. There has been a lot of emotional and mental and physical energy devoted to him this year as well. 

Caden is going with his scout troop to Philmont this summer for a 12-day trek. I have spent countless hours researching, buying and returning backpacking equipment for his journey this summer. I enjoy getting back to stores like REI and rekindling my love of the outdoors, but it has been super stressful as well. 

It has been a very difficult, full year. Marching band. Freshman in high school. 8th grade. 6th grade. Kindergarten. Full-time pre-K. 4 school campuses. If you made it through this, you can see why it feels like I have been 37 forever and why 36 sounds like so long ago. I hope 38 is a happier year with fewer roller-coasters and tears and more joy and peace!

Today is Bob's 40th birthday...

Bob and I have birthdays 1 day apart. We spent the past 17 birthdays celebrating together.

Today I was remembering some things about our life together. I remembered the night we discovered that we had been married for 5000 days. That was a fun discovery that we happened to celebrate in Mexico.

In total, we were married for 6,432 days. We lived together for 6,380 days.

Matter-of-Fact Sydney...

This story illustrates pretty well how the little girls are responding to Bob moving out and us going through this divorce. They are accepting of it and adjusting to it pretty well.

Sydney was telling us a story that happened at school the other day. I'm not sure what the context was but a boy said, "Well, my parents sleep in the same bed." Sydney replied, "My parents don't even sleep in the same house." He said to her, "Well, they are nerds." (I think the conversation was interrupted by their teacher at this point as she pulled the little boy to her desk.) Sydney thought about it and told us later, "They're not nerds, they are just divorced."

Grieving/Healing Song...

I haven't always been a big music person but I've recently created a couple of playlists to help me through this hard time. I have a playlist called Grieving that I listen to when I need to grieve all that I've lost in this divorce. It includes songs that I have heard that have touched me in the past several months. This song wasn't on my playlist until this weekend. It has been on repeat as I cry and feel empowered in the same few minutes. It really captures the depth of the pain I feel at times as well as the determination I have to make it through this trial and make it through well. My theme for this year is One Day at a Time. I really have to take one day at a time. Even when I have some knock-me-on-my-butt days, there is always tomorrow and usually tomorrow is a better day.


BRING ON THE RAIN by Jo Dee Messina

Another day has almost come and gone
Can't imagine what else could go wrong
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war

'Cause tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

It's almost like the hard time circle 'round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
And I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing, but I'm not dead

Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

No I'm not gonna let it get me down
I'm not gonna cry
And I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight

'Cause tomorrow's another day
And I am not afraid
So bring on the rain

New York Food...

I was reminiscing about out trip to New York and the food in particular. These are the things I would definitely try to eat again.

GF Burger, fries and shake at the Shake Shack (we ate in Grand Central Terminal)

Fettucine alfredo at Trattoria Trecolori on Broadway

Pistachio donuts at Tu-lu's Gluten Free bakery (or anything here really)

Carrot-pineapple smoothie at Panera Bread (not that I would have to go to NY for this)