Thoughts on Thursday - Preschool Stress

I never knew preschool could be such a stress in my life. In the fall we enrolled Parker in the same preschool that Caden attended last year. I knew Parker would need some time away from home interacting with other kids. I knew I would greatly enjoy the 10 hours a week I had with no one at home. We did that for September and most of October. After we got back from my grandma's funeral and moved, Parker was really adamant about NOT wanting to go to preschool. When I would drop him off, he would cry and hang on to me which he had never done before (he did that everywhere for awhile - in hindsight I think he was having separation issues after learning so much about death). As I looked back I noticed that he didn't really seem to talk about school much or the kids much. I think it was okay just not great. When he started pushing back we agonized over what to do. We didn't want to pay to fight him to go to school. We weren't in love with the teacher and he seemed to be on a higher level than the other kids (I think because he is used to playing with older siblings.) I wasn't sure I wanted to give up my time alone. In the end, it seemed like the right decision to have him stop going to preschool and start doing a Joy School preschool co-op with some friends from church. This worked out well except for the time. Joy School is only 2.5 hours twice a week. There is also a fair amount of coordinating, planning, and teaching that I have to assist with.

During the holiday break, I did some soul searching trying to figure out why I have felt so weak and depleted over the past few months. I felt great this summer and early fall, but I haven't been feeling great lately. Part of the depletion was certainly recovering from the move and adjusting to a new environment. I decided that part of it has also been the lack of time alone to work on projects or run errands. Parker is sweet but he can be exhausting. It is hard to run very many errands with him because he talks a lot and it is hard to think to make decisions for very long. I decided that for my sanity I needed to find a way to carve out a chunk of time without him in my week. I emailed the old preschool to find out if they had openings but I didn't hear back from them. We had a meeting about Joy School and it seemed like things would work out there. And I lined up to have a very kind friend watch Parker for me one day a week in addition to Joy School. This seemed to be a workable solution but I still didn't feel totally settled with it. And it is something I kept/keep thinking about a lot. This has been frustrating for me because usually I can make a decision quickly, move on, and be totally settled, okay, etc. It is unusual for me to feel so wishy-washy and undecided.

Then yesterday I got an email from the preschool saying they have an opening in the class I would want Parker to be in. After much discussion (and many tears by me), Bob and I decided that it will be best for us (meaning me) if Parker goes back to regular 10 hour/week preschool. I feel good about this. It gives me great peace to think that I can look forward to those days "off". But it still is not easy. This is why:

1. I really enjoyed the moms and kids in the Joy School group. I have enjoyed getting to know them better and working with them in this way. I don't like to think that I have let them down or made this process harder on them by being in and then out so quickly. It is hard on others when you change your mind (I know. It is hard on me when my kids do OFTEN.) : ) I think they will be fine though and it is still early in the semester and things are still getting sorted out. I think there is someone that could take my place.

2. I still feel guilty/bad about having this need to be away from my kids more than I used to. Intellectually I know it is ok and normal even good. I would be someone else's biggest advocate for finding an "out" if they were me. But there is something about practicing what you preach that is more difficult. Do I feel like I have failed if I don't feel like I can be around my kids all the time? Intellectually I know that I will be better mom if I have some space from my kids. Is that selfish? I don't think so. I am doing it for my mental health. The better I am, the better the family is. Do I feel badly that I need time away from Parker specifically? I don't think I felt the same way with the other kids when they were 3. I have to remember that he is a different child and that I am in a different place now. I have been a stay-at-home mom for 7 years now, not 3 or 5. Maybe the time has slowly worn me down more. It is ok that Parker might be more intense and require something different that the others. It's ok. I'm going to keep telling myself this until I believe it to my core.

3. Fear of the unknown. Fear of having to change my mind again. Fear of it not working out. I've got to replace my fear with faith. NOW.

4. It is still hard for me to embrace doing something other than mothering. With Parker in preschool, I will have to time work on my photography business. It is something I want to do. Something I really want to do. But it is still hard for me to embrace that side of things. I will work on that. I need to embrace the possibility of being successful in a small business AND being successful at home.

That's all for now. Preschool here we come!