It's my birthday!

It feels like I have been 37 for a really long time. 36 sounds so much younger than 37. The only way I can explain this is to look at all that has happened this year and all that I have learned. This year I did a lot of growing up - not that I was young or immature before - but I grew up a lot this year. I acquired a lot of experience through hard, hard trials this year.

It was on my birthday last year that the last straw was placed - the straw that broke the camel's back. It was on my birthday last year that the Spirit told me I didn't have to do this anymore. I questioned that voice and prayed about the validity of that voice but was reassured that it was Him. This is a quote from my journal last year:

"I felt God tell me that I didn't have to do this anymore. I didn't have to keep fighting these battles of Bob getting off the same page and being untrustworthy and not considering me or my opinion."

It was a few days after that in our counselor's office that I told Bob I wanted a divorce. Something had to change and I knew I needed some separation from him. We decided that night that we still loved each other and would keep working to save our marriage. 

We started co-therapy where we each had a counselor to advocate for us and help us navigate difficult issues. My therapist helped me understand that my old relationship with Bob was dead. I needed a new relationship - either a new relationship with him or a new relationship with someone else. The therapists helped us set up an in-house separation and let us know that 75% of couples who do co-therapy are able to work things out. 

July was an incredibly hard month for me as we worked to set up an in-house separation with the help of our counselors. Bob took over Allie's room upstairs, Allie moved in with the little girls and I had the master bedroom and bath. We traded weekends and nights of being home with the kids and had limited time together in the form of dates, family dinners and FHE. We also continued to go to counseling every week. 

In August I learned something that complicated the situation and broke down trust even more. Even so, we continued to work through things. I was learning how to advocate for myself and not be a victim. I was learning to recognize my needs and practicing how to meet those needs. Bob and I had some good dates during this time and some times where we felt connected instead of disconnected. 

This was the last date we had on September 17. We ate dinner at this little airport, flew over Dallas in a tiny

airplane and then watched the movie Sully at the Moviehouse & Eatery in Keller. 

One night in September Bob told me that he was done going to counseling after a heated disagreement we had. Counseling had been our only hope at that point. Things had still been rocky at best and counseling was one of the few places where I felt safe to make my voice be heard and hope for progress. Because of some breaches of commitments and new information, the in-house separation needed tweaking in order for it to continue to be safe for me. 

In this time it came down to two choices. Will Tasha give up her voice and be a step ford wife and like all of Bob's ideas or will Bob continue to work through his feelings and issues with a counselor? Neither one of us were willing to make the choice that would make things work for the other.

There was another night in October when Bob asked me if I thought we could get divorced without spending a lot of money on lawyers. I knew there was no way we could have a fair separation of assets and custody without outside help. 

On October 31, I officially filed for divorce. Bob found out a week or two later. He hired his own lawyer and we commenced the expensive and stressful process of getting divorced. 

I was ready for Bob to move out after the Christmas holidays (at the latest) but he was adamant about staying in the house until the divorce was final. January was another really miserable, difficult month. I tried to get some better separation/nesting things set up but to no avail (his lawyer was non-responsive for many weeks). We finally had mediation on January 19 where the details of the divorce were laid out (custody, split of assets, etc.) but Bob did not move out until February 5. It was really difficult to be in the same house during those weeks.

The divorce was final on March 29.

Since my birthday last year, I have been thinking about how to make divorce work financially without upsetting the kids lives, schools, location, etc. I applied and interviewed for graduate school in counseling. I got accepted and started my first class in January. I hoped to take more than one class at a time but that is not in the cards yet. I also studied for and got the training to be a substitute teacher in my district. I started working 2-3 days a week subbing in October. I also began the process of becoming alternatively certified as a teacher so I can have a full time job that pays the bills next year. In addition to the normal mom jobs of laundry, taxi-driver, cook, etc., I have also been studying for two teacher certification tests. There are 3 time-consuming parts to the alternative certification process - completing their training courses, taking the teacher certification exams (I took special education and EC 4-8), and 30 hours of classroom observation. I have been doing the observation as part of my substitute jobs which helps. You have to type up responses to several questions about each observation and that takes some time to do.

Parker has also been in out-patient treatment twice this year for his mood disorder/mental health issues. If these don't get/stay better, he will be going to a residential treatment facility. There has been a lot of emotional and mental and physical energy devoted to him this year as well. 

Caden is going with his scout troop to Philmont this summer for a 12-day trek. I have spent countless hours researching, buying and returning backpacking equipment for his journey this summer. I enjoy getting back to stores like REI and rekindling my love of the outdoors, but it has been super stressful as well. 

It has been a very difficult, full year. Marching band. Freshman in high school. 8th grade. 6th grade. Kindergarten. Full-time pre-K. 4 school campuses. If you made it through this, you can see why it feels like I have been 37 forever and why 36 sounds like so long ago. I hope 38 is a happier year with fewer roller-coasters and tears and more joy and peace!

Real Life...New Calling...

The past few weeks have brought a large range of emotions. On Sunday December 13th, our bishop asked to see me. It had been a hard week and an especially hard Sunday morning (church at 2PM can be rough). I got ready for church that day, drove the family to church and then went back home. Something was said on the way there that triggered a mess of emotions I had been holding in. I knew I couldn't go to church and hold it together at all. I couldn't pretend like everything was ok when it really wasn't. The bishop found Bob at church and told him that he needed to see me about a change in callings. (The week before, they had asked me to be a primary teacher so it seemed odd that they had something different but also right at the same time. Being called as a primary teacher hadn't felt right to me all week.) They set up a time for the bishop to come over that evening. 

To say we were shocked when Bishop Allen extended the call to me to be the Primary president is an understatement. We were floored. Really? Me? Now? Do you know that our house is still under construction? Do you know that things are rocky with our marriage? Really???? Me? Now? The bishop talked with us for a long time. We talked through our concerns. He offered some advice and encouragement. He told us how the bishopric came to know that this was the calling for me after kneeling together in prayer over the matter. I accepted the call and his confidence in me. I feel honored and humbled that God has asked this of me right now. 

As has happened at other times in my life when a calling truly came from God, the ideas and inspiration immediately started flowing. I spent the next few days thinking about and praying about who my counselors and secretary should be. I felt good about 3 women and presidency callings for them. I took off work one day to go to the temple. Bob and I had the best week of feeling connected emotionally and spiritually that we've had in a long time. I

Fast forward a couple of weeks. Christmas, New Years, being officially sustained as the Primary president and the first Sunday under my belt. 

I was feeling totally overwhelmed. I took these pictures at the end of the day on Monday Jan. 4. 

Piles of dirty laundry on the living room floor that never got washed over the long weekend. 

Piles of clean laundry waiting to be wrinkle-released, folded, hung and put away.

A dinner table that never got cleaned off all the way. Remnants of a dinner that Parker cooked because he saw that his parents were not going to do the job. 

Mounds of dirty dishes in the sink.

Messy master bedroom.

More master bedroom mess.

The current state of our master bathroom. (There are actually larger holes in the concrete now in preparation for rerouting all the plumbing this week.)

Boxes and stacks of pictures that need to be hung next to a wall that needs to be repainted and a dress that will need to be hand washed.

More pictures. It was great that we cleaned our garage over Christmas break but it does mean that these pictures are no longer in boxes in the garage. Where to hang them? What pictures to put in them?

The chair that I started to make a slipcover for over Thanksgiving break that has not been touched since then. Christmas books that need to be put away.

Paper that Sage lovingly cut up and left for me. 

All the supplies from the half bath that Caden was supposed to clean that day. He removed these items and then did nothing else.

A fridge that is not exactly empty (close) but void of any combination of ingredients to make meals that week. When am I going to go to the store?

And Primary stuff. Next week's sharing time lesson.

Materials that I have been given and need to sort through, etc.

Everything felt big that night and hopeless and overwhelming. There may have been some things in my life that I wanted to give up on or quit.

But that feeling didn't last. God is good! He lifts me up. He gives me a new day and new perspective. I woke up the next morning and was able to tackle most of these messes. I set aside working on Primary for a couple of days. I tried out some new ways of doing laundry that hopefully will work better with these added responsibilities. I was promised in a blessing last week that I would still be able to do all the things I need to do just maybe in different ways. I am seeing the blessings of that already.

I am really excited about this new calling. We have 130 fun, smart, cute kids to work with. My counselors and secretary are great. I am excited to work with them and get to know them better. There has been opposition so far and I'm sure there will be more in the future. Today I am feeling hopeful. The hard days don't last forever! I was promised in another blessing that this calling would be a blessing to my family and that my service would be a blessing to these Primary kids. I believe that is true.

I am remembering today that the first week after a break or vacation is ALWAYS hard. I already feel more prepared and capable this week. Our dinner menu is planned and I'm already on track to actually cook for my family every day this week. The pantry and fridge are full and the clothes are clean. (I will fold as I did last week in the afternoons while watching Fixer Upper and Property Brothers on HGTV). I am feeling more hopeful about our plan to work on the master bathroom and actually get it done. Life is good! God is good!

Bob & Tasha

It's been a crazy hard year and we are feeling a bit old and tired at the moment. Things feel like they are settling down and we are looking forward to an easier year.

Bob has a great job with Dyncorp. He has been with them for 1.5 years and it is a great fit for him. He has a wonderful team to work with and enjoys the work he does. It is a fast-paced environment but not one that requires him to work crazy hours. He spent every spare second working on this house for the past few months. All summer he stayed up late every night painting or framing or demoing or something. Now that the worst part of the house remodel is over, he is trying to add some fun things back in to his life. He bought some roller blades and fixed up his bike. He and I are going mountain biking for the first time in years today. He is the building specialist at church and is in charge of making sure the building gets cleaned and supplies get stocked. We are on a rotation with the other two wards so he works hard for one month and then gets two months off. It is a good fit for him right now and he has it running smoothly.

I also now have a job. With all our unexpected house expenses, it became necessary that I either take my girls out of preschool or get a job. Without question the best choice for my sanity was to get a job. I found a job pretty easily at an embroidery store in town. I work on Mondays and Wednesdays when the girls are in school and on Saturdays. I help with the embroidery and vinyl programming, take orders, input invoices and try to help them get organized. I really like the work I do and interacting with the customers but it is a very chaotic environment and I'm not sure it will ever change with the owner/boss as it is. I may be looking for something different before long.

I'm currently obsessed with family history. I am constantly looking up family lines and connecting all my people in familysearch.org. I've been told that it is so fun for me because it is relaxing. I just know that I love it!

When the girls are home, I take them to the park a lot. Sydney and I do reading lessons about once a week and otherwise they play while I clean or do laundry. Sometimes we run errands or meet up with friends. On Tuesday nights I try to go to yoga with a friend - we make it a couple of times a month usually. I am also trying to run and work up to being able to do a 5K again. I only get out about once a week though. For church I am the visiting teaching coordinator. It is a good fit for me right now.

Who I Am...

I have been on a journey this past year of discovering more of who I am. I wrote these words several months ago as a reminder to myself. (I wrote them as a blog post that I never published.) I want to remember who I am and what my strengths and limitations are and be content in that. I shared this in Relief Society a couple of weeks ago and thought I should finally post it here. I talked briefly about how we often look at others and see what they are good at and then feel bad that we are not also good at that same thing. We are all made differently with our own unique gifts and talents and God loves each of us infinitely!

I am God's amazing daughter. I am His. I look to Him for my value and worth.

I am imperfect and faithful. I mess up - sometimes knowingly. I know that Jesus makes up for all that I lack. He has from the beginning. I am perfect in Him.

I love other people. I long to serve and to help and uplift. My longings surpass my capacity by leaps and bounds. I serve when and where I can knowing that I cannot be everything for anybody or something for everybody. I give my longings to serve to God knowing that he can be Everything.

I take care of myself. I value self-care in myself and others. I take care of me knowing that others might call it selfish. Jesus took care and rest when He needed it. I look to Him for direction in being whole and happy and cared for.

I am a learner. I am open-minded and searching for truth all around me. I embrace truth when I find it.

I am a mind-opener. I delight in sharing knowledge with others that opens their eyes to new ways of thinking about things.

I am a record keeper. I am a journaler, scrapbooker, photographer, and story-teller.

I am beautiful. Created in the image of God, I am inwardly and outwardly beautiful. His image is in my countenance.

Real Life 15th Anniversary...

Today was Bob and my 15th wedding anniversary. I wanted to share some real life happenings from today. It is a good and crazy journey we are on together!

- I had to get a grumpy boy off to his first day of school. He had a sunburn and I ended up forgetting ranch dressing and a fork for his salad lunch.

- Took Allie to Dr. for well check up and overdue/needed-for-school shots. Took shot record to school so she can get her schedule on Thursday. Caden babysat the little girls for the first time and did a great job.

- Put Sage down for a nap around noon. She wouldn't stay in her room so I shut the door. She cried and I went to lay down with Syd. Caden couldn't handle her crying so unbeknownst to me, he took her to his room and unsuccessfully tried to get her to nap there. 45 minutes later, I hear her. I read her a book and put her back to bed with the door closed. Miraculously, she doesn't cry. Shortly after, Allie comes up and hears Sage talking in her room. She thinks Sage has already slept and let's her out of her room. No afternoon nap for a kid who still  needs it.

- Bob comes home early so we can go on our anniversary date. I am not ready as soon as he would like and then I want to go to the store to get a couple of things to make dinner time easier on the kids. He thinks it is unnecessary which sets off a flood of all my stressors from the day.

- On our drive to the temple area restaurant (Zizikis), he gets me to share what I am feeling and crying about. He was a good listener today. By the time we get there, I am feeling better and ready to share a nice evening with him.

- I wasn't sure about his choice of a Greek restaurant for dinner but our food ended up being really delicious. Grecian chicken for me and salmon filet for him.

- I thought we should take a picture together before going into the temple. I thought it was pretty funny that our new marriage counselor called to try to change our next appointment while we were taking timer shots and selfies. We are in one of those spots again where we need some outside help to have the kind of marriage we want to have. Grateful for counselors!

- We had 18 couple sealings to do at the temple. We were there with another couple from someplace else that were having their 15th anniversary tomorrow. It was a special time to be in the temple together.

- As we drove home we talked to Allie on the phone to check out how things were going. We found out that Sage had fallen asleep during a movie at about 4 o'clock. She slept until 7:30 and then woke up from her "nap".

- I ended up hanging out with Sage until midnight working on homeschool prep and other computer things while Bob went to sleep at 9:30/10 sharing a bed with Sydney. 

Happy 15th anniversary honey!

Baby Emerson...

I'm in California right now visiting my sister, snuggling on her baby and playing with her girls. It is fun to be out here with them. Here are a few pics from the trip so far...

These girls LOVE baby brother! They are really sweet with him and think he is the cutest thing (which he is!). 

Before church on Sunday we played with paper airplanes. They find so much fun in little things.

Today we made oobleck when Abbie was in school (her first day of kindergarten). Brinlee had so much fun with it and Abbie did too this afternoon. Messy but fun!

It sure is nice to snuggle a little one. Such a good baby too.

Family History Obsession...

Almost everyday I do a little research on my ancestors. These are my favorite websites:

familysearch.org
puzzilla.org
findagrave.com

On my line there are a lot of duplicates along with some incorrect information. I enjoy correcting that in familysearch.org and streamlining it. The best part though is finding people that aren't in family search yet and linking families together. It is sad to see how many babies died in infancy or at birth. Everything I do right now is on my mom's line that immigrated from Germany. Fun stuff!

Puzzilla.org is awesome for figuring out where more work might need to be done. The graphics looking at descendants are so fun.

Findagrave.com is great for finding death dates and obituaries. I've spent a lot of time on there looking through the information from First Mennonite Cemetery in Beatrice, Nebraska where my mom was raised and a lot of her family still lives. What a great legacy all those pioneers left behind. So much faith!

Taking up my time...

Along with Angie's Kettle Corn from Costco, my newest addiction is family history. I am having a lot of fun (and staying up way too late sometimes) researching my ancestors. I am using familysearch.org and attaching records to the people who they represent. I have linked some kids with their parents and siblings and it is really fun. I'm working on my German ancestors on my mom's side and it is great to see their faith and love of their Savior as I do this research. It also makes me feel more normal when I see the large families they often had. Fun stuff!

Girls Camping Weekend...

My dear friend Sarah had a great idea last spring that we should get together and go camping this fall. We decided to go camping near Austin where she lives. Bob took Friday off work and I drove down to meet Sarah. We camped Friday and Saturday night at Georgetown Lake. We stayed up late sharing secrets, talking about life and getting annoyed at the obnoxious loud campers near us! We wanted to rest on our weekend away!

Even though we bought food to cook we ended up eating out both nights. Delicious Mexican food and then burgers and ice cream bars the next night. We burned all the scrap wood that has been sitting in my garage for the past two years which made me very happy. It also made us 2 delicious breakfast burrito breakfasts. We were going to have PB&J sandwiches on day 2 so we could forego the fire but a critter came along in the night and took our bread!

On Saturday we went for a mountain biking ride. Sarah hadn't been on her bike at all in 3-4 years and I hadn't done any real mountain biking since before Sydney was born. We found a trail that was pretty rocky but we attempted it anyway and gradually got more confident and able.

We were on a pretty smooth stretch of single track headed downhill when I put too much pressure on my front brake and flipped over the front of my bike. When I landed my head was pointed slightly downhill and I could see I was in a bush of prickly things but I was ok. Sarah was behind me so I decided to lay there until she could help me. When she saw me, she couldn't get the words out fast enough that I HAD to get right up. My body was in stickers but my leg was in a large fire ant mound. I quickly got up and we frantically brushed away as many ants as we could. It was too late for some of my leg. Luckily I was wearing tight capri pants so the bites stopped where my pants did. 

It was still pretty painful and then itchy for several days. I also had several bruises/tender spots from the crash. Oh mountain biking! 

We had a fantastic weekend catching up and laughing and talking about serious things and just overall reconnecting. It was so refreshing to be outside in nature too. 

On my drive home I also got to see another one of my high school buddies, Rebekah. We had lunch and had a great visit talking about motherhood, kids, family and more. It is so wonderful to see my friends as great mothers who love their kids, believe in Jesus and practice faith in their everyday. Both of these friends became mothers several years after I did but now we all have two little ones that are still at home. It is fun to be in a similar life stage again. Thanks Sarah for dreaming up our super weekend!

The Best!

Parker liked the offerings at the dinner table tonight and was in a cheerful mood. He said, "Mom you're the best mom in the whole world!" I replied with a big thank you.

Then in all seriousness he asked, "Mom are there any Moms that are better than YOU?" His tone implied that he really didn't think there could be. Love that boy!

Mom's Summer Camp...

I had this crazy idea a couple of weeks ago to take a week and live a simpler life. There are so many distractions day to day that it sometimes feels like we are not connecting in ways that I would like to. We needed improvement in family prayer and scripture study. We need improvement in sharing, working together and serving each other.

Once the idea started it just kept building. I had grocery lists and daily schedules planned almost immediately. I kept seeing all of the good that might come out of this little adventure. I started calling it Mom's Summer Camp. So the idea was to go to my parents little house on the lake that is just a few minutes from their home. Just me and the kids. The lake house has 2 bedrooms and one open living area. It is much smaller than our house with far fewer rooms for people to be separated by. It was a nice change.

I also decided that we were going to work on this deck project that I have been wanting to do for years. The deck is high and not safe for little ones. The boys and I were going to make it safer. We bought the supplies and tools the first day we were there. 

I had the kids each pick a plate, cup, bowl and silverware to use for the week. Everyone was responsible for washing their own things along with extras like the babies' dishes. The kids actually liked this. They thought it was easier than the dishes that we do at home.

The second day we were there, we started working on the deck. Caden and I were getting our miter saw set up first thing. We decided we needed an extension cord so we headed for the shed. Before we could even get the door up and get inside, Caden got stung by a wasp on the back of his head. It was his first sting like this and it HURT! He was screaming so badly that the kids inside thought he had cut his finger off or something. Big hiccup in the plans. He did not want to go back outside EVER!

Shortly after, I went outside with spray to try to kill those suckers and got stung as well (on my back). I was glad he had me to compare the pain/experience with. He got brave and came back outside to work but he was still pretty nervous about the plethora of flying things that we encountered.

The boys took turns sawing the boards that we bought - 192 boards that needed to be shortened by less than half an inch. This part took awhile. I let the boys wear my sunglasses when they were cutting. It was the best we had for safety glasses.

One day Caden and I had to go back to Home Depot for some supplies. Parker got so bored waiting for us to come home that he crashed out on the couch. He slept like that for at least 30 minutes after we got back. Loved it!

Each morning the boys and I would work on the deck project. We would sometimes work on it again at night. In the afternoons we would drive to my parents' house to swim for a couple of hours. We ate simple meals with fewer choices than we normally have at home. We didn't watch TV or use the cell phone for entertainment. We took a few toys with us, explored outside, & read. We had a morning and evening devotional each day. We had a movie night one night that was a huge hit with the kids (Weiner Dog Nationals was actually a pretty good movie).

This is Sage on the chair down by the lake. The water is really low again this year so we didn't do any boating. We did clear a path to the beach that the low water created and the big kids played down there one day.

 

Parker liked walking around in the muddy water. He found and pulled out all of these old branches. He also discovered an old hat. Everyone else kept pretty much to the raft and the beach.

 Parker caught frogs by the water too. We saw chameleons quite a bit in the trees and on the deck. We fought wasps and tried to kill as many of those as possible. We also saw squirrels & butterflies.

 Inside the girls played with their babies. Sage likes to give the baby kisses.

We took our box of Lego Duplos. The boys especially played with those for hours. They made a lot of really cool creations with them. They also had some pretty mean fights about them too. This was the first thing they did in the morning while we waited for Allie to wake up. We also took a walk down the road on the little lake peninsula most mornings just to see what was happening at the other houses. The garbage truck came one morning so we stopped to watch that.

So this is what we worked on outside. I originally thought we would use deck screws and a drill to install the boards. Wednesday night I realized this plan was not going to work. The angle was just too crazy for drilling. After some thought and frustration I realized that we could install them well with an old fashioned hammer and some nails. Caden would line the board up with our marks and make sure it was level and I would lean over and bang a nail in on the top board and on the middle one. I had bruises and blisters from hammering when we came home.

This is what the finished product looks like. We still have some more to finish this week when we are there for a few days but so far we think it looks good.

Here are few more pictures of what happened inside while we were out. Allie did a great job of keeping the babies happy and entertained while we worked on the deck. Parker and Caden helped her too when they weren't outside with me.

It was really a great week of rejuvenation for me as a mom and as a woman. There was something about getting back to some basics and doing something different from normal that was really good for me.