Who I Am...

I have been on a journey this past year of discovering more of who I am. I wrote these words several months ago as a reminder to myself. (I wrote them as a blog post that I never published.) I want to remember who I am and what my strengths and limitations are and be content in that. I shared this in Relief Society a couple of weeks ago and thought I should finally post it here. I talked briefly about how we often look at others and see what they are good at and then feel bad that we are not also good at that same thing. We are all made differently with our own unique gifts and talents and God loves each of us infinitely!

I am God's amazing daughter. I am His. I look to Him for my value and worth.

I am imperfect and faithful. I mess up - sometimes knowingly. I know that Jesus makes up for all that I lack. He has from the beginning. I am perfect in Him.

I love other people. I long to serve and to help and uplift. My longings surpass my capacity by leaps and bounds. I serve when and where I can knowing that I cannot be everything for anybody or something for everybody. I give my longings to serve to God knowing that he can be Everything.

I take care of myself. I value self-care in myself and others. I take care of me knowing that others might call it selfish. Jesus took care and rest when He needed it. I look to Him for direction in being whole and happy and cared for.

I am a learner. I am open-minded and searching for truth all around me. I embrace truth when I find it.

I am a mind-opener. I delight in sharing knowledge with others that opens their eyes to new ways of thinking about things.

I am a record keeper. I am a journaler, scrapbooker, photographer, and story-teller.

I am beautiful. Created in the image of God, I am inwardly and outwardly beautiful. His image is in my countenance.

Mom's Summer Camp...

I had this crazy idea a couple of weeks ago to take a week and live a simpler life. There are so many distractions day to day that it sometimes feels like we are not connecting in ways that I would like to. We needed improvement in family prayer and scripture study. We need improvement in sharing, working together and serving each other.

Once the idea started it just kept building. I had grocery lists and daily schedules planned almost immediately. I kept seeing all of the good that might come out of this little adventure. I started calling it Mom's Summer Camp. So the idea was to go to my parents little house on the lake that is just a few minutes from their home. Just me and the kids. The lake house has 2 bedrooms and one open living area. It is much smaller than our house with far fewer rooms for people to be separated by. It was a nice change.

I also decided that we were going to work on this deck project that I have been wanting to do for years. The deck is high and not safe for little ones. The boys and I were going to make it safer. We bought the supplies and tools the first day we were there. 

I had the kids each pick a plate, cup, bowl and silverware to use for the week. Everyone was responsible for washing their own things along with extras like the babies' dishes. The kids actually liked this. They thought it was easier than the dishes that we do at home.

The second day we were there, we started working on the deck. Caden and I were getting our miter saw set up first thing. We decided we needed an extension cord so we headed for the shed. Before we could even get the door up and get inside, Caden got stung by a wasp on the back of his head. It was his first sting like this and it HURT! He was screaming so badly that the kids inside thought he had cut his finger off or something. Big hiccup in the plans. He did not want to go back outside EVER!

Shortly after, I went outside with spray to try to kill those suckers and got stung as well (on my back). I was glad he had me to compare the pain/experience with. He got brave and came back outside to work but he was still pretty nervous about the plethora of flying things that we encountered.

The boys took turns sawing the boards that we bought - 192 boards that needed to be shortened by less than half an inch. This part took awhile. I let the boys wear my sunglasses when they were cutting. It was the best we had for safety glasses.

One day Caden and I had to go back to Home Depot for some supplies. Parker got so bored waiting for us to come home that he crashed out on the couch. He slept like that for at least 30 minutes after we got back. Loved it!

Each morning the boys and I would work on the deck project. We would sometimes work on it again at night. In the afternoons we would drive to my parents' house to swim for a couple of hours. We ate simple meals with fewer choices than we normally have at home. We didn't watch TV or use the cell phone for entertainment. We took a few toys with us, explored outside, & read. We had a morning and evening devotional each day. We had a movie night one night that was a huge hit with the kids (Weiner Dog Nationals was actually a pretty good movie).

This is Sage on the chair down by the lake. The water is really low again this year so we didn't do any boating. We did clear a path to the beach that the low water created and the big kids played down there one day.

 

Parker liked walking around in the muddy water. He found and pulled out all of these old branches. He also discovered an old hat. Everyone else kept pretty much to the raft and the beach.

 Parker caught frogs by the water too. We saw chameleons quite a bit in the trees and on the deck. We fought wasps and tried to kill as many of those as possible. We also saw squirrels & butterflies.

 Inside the girls played with their babies. Sage likes to give the baby kisses.

We took our box of Lego Duplos. The boys especially played with those for hours. They made a lot of really cool creations with them. They also had some pretty mean fights about them too. This was the first thing they did in the morning while we waited for Allie to wake up. We also took a walk down the road on the little lake peninsula most mornings just to see what was happening at the other houses. The garbage truck came one morning so we stopped to watch that.

So this is what we worked on outside. I originally thought we would use deck screws and a drill to install the boards. Wednesday night I realized this plan was not going to work. The angle was just too crazy for drilling. After some thought and frustration I realized that we could install them well with an old fashioned hammer and some nails. Caden would line the board up with our marks and make sure it was level and I would lean over and bang a nail in on the top board and on the middle one. I had bruises and blisters from hammering when we came home.

This is what the finished product looks like. We still have some more to finish this week when we are there for a few days but so far we think it looks good.

Here are few more pictures of what happened inside while we were out. Allie did a great job of keeping the babies happy and entertained while we worked on the deck. Parker and Caden helped her too when they weren't outside with me.

It was really a great week of rejuvenation for me as a mom and as a woman. There was something about getting back to some basics and doing something different from normal that was really good for me.

Triathlon...

I LOVED my race! It was a beginner triathlon with a 250 yard swim, 8 mile bike ride, and 2 mile run. The swim was fun and quick, the bike ride was through beautiful countryside ending with a hard hill, and the run was a little bit painful (I thought I might puke during the last mile of it) but fun. I'm ready to do another one! (I'd like to get the kids to do one too.) I thought I would be incredibly sore the next morning but I wasn't too bad. Seeing all my competitors' nice road bikes made me want to invest in one of those someday too. For now my trusty mountain bike will do. : )

I just looked up my time and it was faster than I anticipated. ~1 hour and 3 minutes. 5th out of 11 in my age group.

Losing Weight...

I am on a personal quest right now to see if I can actually have a flatter tummy. My midsection has always been my weakness and now that it's been stretched out 5 times, it is a far cry from flat. I am running 4-5 times a week, doing an ab workout 2-3 times a week and trying to watch what I eat. I don't think I can achieve the desired ab results without also losing some weight. I'm still not convinced I can ever have the belly I want but I am giving it a good strong try to see how good it can get.

I have been really working on the food part for 2 weeks now. I was ready to pay for WeightWatchers online which I have used successfully in the past but decided to save the $50 and try the plan that came with Bob's Insanity workouts and that has been working for him. I'm trying to eat 5 meals a day that are each around 300 calories. So far I really like this system. I eat more in the morning and don't crave sugar as badly. I may also try some of the Insanity ab workouts in the coming weeks.

Eating right is still hard especially this week as it was spring break and we had family in town. I've been wanting to compile a list of all the things I didn't eat this week that I normally would have. It required exercising a lot of self-control and giving up quite a few things all for about 1 pound of weight loss (that's my goal per week). Makes me appreciate even more those who lose lots of weight!

Spice cake with chocolate frosting and ice cream (not too hard because I don't love this cake like my family - Bob made it.)
Onion rings and croussants at Cheddars
Baked spasagna or fried shrimp at Cheddars (I got something more healthy that was delicious!)
Easter candy at home
Donuts and bacon for breakfast (I had part of one donut after our Crossfit workout.)
Italian chicken and rice (I had a salad instead)
Candy at the mall
Fettucine alfredo at the Olive Garden (I just got a bowl of soup and some breadsticks.)
I had one dessert donut at Olive Garden instead of 3-4.
French fries at Central Market
Candy at Central Market
French fries and fried goods at Chick-fil-A
Cookie and/or ice cream at Chick-fil-A
My usual fare at Rosas Mexican - I chose something healthier that I like too.
Ice cream at Braums (I shared fro-yo with Sydney and she at most of it.)

We ate out a lot this week with family and it being spring break. This week will probably be easier as I have more control over what comes in our home and what we eat. I may not have lost weight this week but I'm pretty sure I didn't gain any which is a feat in and of itself.

Running...

I ran 5 miles today in 56 minutes. It was tough! I don't think I have run that long or far since high school. I'm training for a 10K in May and a mini triathlon in June. Excited to be getting stronger and faster!

Giddy...

I'm really excited tonight. I don't usually have this much positive emotion running through me so I thought I would write about it. Here are a few things I'm excited about:

1. Retirement! My mom is retiring and my dad is cutting back his work some. My dad just signed a contract to become an employee of the hospital which means that he and my mom won't have a small business to run anymore. I told Allie that we should have a retirement party for Grammy and she said we should make a cake, something bittersweet. I'm sure this is a bittersweet move for my parents but I am so EXCITED for the time it will free up for them.

2. Christmas! I have been unknowingly holding back my Christmas spirit this week as I focused on preparing for an exam I had tonight. Now that it is over, I am excited to start wrapping presents, making things, and getting ready for Christmas.

3. Technology! I'm getting an iPhone this weekend and I am so excited about it. I have been pining for one for months but we keep putting it off for financial reasons. We found out last week that my old phone will no longer work in 2013 so I have to get something different. (I have lost it for the time being too which adds fuel to the fire). I have decided to get the iPhone now as opposed to waiting another 2 years. I'm really excited about the camera and GPS aspect of having a smartphone!

MATH!

Bob and the big kids are at movie night at the school. The babies are in bed. The house is quiet and I can pretty much do anything I want.

I'll admit that what I'm doing is getting REALLY excited about looking up math tricks to teach Caden for UIL Number Sense this year. (I'm also eating a large pizookie that I made for myself!)

It's bringing back some good memories! One of the best things about being a parent is teaching your kids to do things that you loved doing as a kid. This time around it just happens to be doing math in your head!

The Waiting Game...

Waiting is never one of my favorite things but waiting on this baby is torturous. I get excited every time I have a contraction. Sometimes I'll have 2 or 3 in row and get really excited only to have them go away. Everywhere we go Allie will say, "I hope labor starts...", at the pool, at the restaurant, etc. She is disappointed to wake up and find that I am still at home and not at the hospital. When I call Bob he is always hoping it is THE call. Every night Caden declares that he thinks the baby will be born tonight. We are all SO ready to meet our baby. Waiting is HARD.

I'm trying to be productive while I have this time. I'm hoping productivity will help the days go by a little quicker - sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I hung some pictures on Saturday using Becky's technique. It cost me close to $20 to hang these pictures with those strips but it beats paying someone to do it (which I have thought about many times but not done) or waiting 1000 years for my busy husband to help me. I would use them again for a project like this where spacing or lining up bottom/top edges is important. It made this project do-able for me! These pictures are in the hall between the boys' room and the baby's room.I did a minor clean-up of our storage room (along with laundry and grocery shopping) yesterday. I worked hard all morning hoping it would move this thing along. All it did was wear me completely out! Today I decided to start my 2009 blog book. I didn't get very far as I don't have the patience right now to make it how I want.

I did get a question on Facebook about the blankets and burp cloths I made for this baby so I took some pictures tonight to show you what I did.

I made 4 flannel receiving blankets for the baby. I am hoping to do a lot more swaddling this time around so they seemed very important to make. I bought a yard of fabric in each pattern and then cut it into a square using as much fabric as possible. I then turn and iron the edges twice and sew them down. Pretty simple. I will also likely use these as nursing cover-up blankets when I need to be discreet (which might be always with my silly private-part-obsessed boys).

We have a LOT of burp cloths left over from the other kids. Parker was a major spit-upper. I covered some of the stains with flannel fabric and riboon to make them cuter. We have already said that if this baby spits up as much as Parker did, we are heading to a good chiropractor to get him/her adjusted so hopefully we won't need all of what we have.
I also wanted to try dying some burp cloths after seeing this post months ago. One morning Allie and I dyed lots of cloth diapers yellow, blue, green and even tie dye. We then bought fabric to coordinate. I really like how the yellow ones turned out although the matching fabric is quite girly so we may not get to use them. I am not as happy with the washed color of the blue and green so I haven't bothered dressing many of them up with cute fabric.
Next to the yellow burp cloth is my favorite blanket (although I love the lime green as well). It is white flannel that I stitched around the edges with orange, green and purple thread. White is my color of choice for unisex baby stuff. I bought a white sleeper too that I was hoping to use on the way home from the hospital but even in the smallest size it is probably going to be TOO big. Oh, well. I also have my toes painted white in preparation for our baby.

How I'm feeling...

At this point (38 weeks) I am feeling grouchy and tired most of the time. I am definitely at the end of this. My body is not comfortable at this point. Baby is crowded and so am I. I feel bad for my family. I am not much fun to be around right now.

We are getting very ready for the baby to come. I finished the last of the burp cloths and blankets that I wanted to make today. I've got a bag packed for the hospital. The pacifiers are sterilized. The baby's room is cleaned up. I think we are finally ready with the preparations we wanted to make. Now we just wait (and maybe hang some pictures with this new method I want to try out).

On Wednesday I was dilated to 1.5 and the doctor estimates the baby's weight at 7.5-8 pounds. I've had some contractions since then but nothing that is consistent or very painful. We're ready to try 2 new labor inducing ideas that we heard about recently. One is rubbing a certain part on my feet. The other is eating eggplant parmesan. My mom has some obligations tomorrow afternoon so we are going to wait until after that for the foot rub. Maybe I'll get eggplant parmesan early next week if we still have no baby.

And my friend, Chris, that was due the same day as me had her healthy baby girl last Saturday. Allie and I were a little jealous when we heard the news!

Today...

Me + Parker + 3 grocery stores = EXHAUSTION!!!

Back to school...

Bob took this picture of me on my first day of school. This is pretty much how I go everyday. Purse, jacket (in case the room is cold), and something to write with and on. Now I have outlines that I print out for each chapter and that is what I take to write on.

So far school has been good. It is nice for me to have someplace to go two nights a week. It's a change/challenge for Bob as he now has two nights he HAS to put the kids to bed, etc. The actual classes are good. My teacher is interesting and shares interesting information from his clinical practice. It's nice to be learning from a live instructor again. I don't think it will be hard to do well in the class and there isn't any homework - just tests. So...so far, so good.

Getting to Know Me

My friend Denise did this on her blog recently and I thought it was interesting to read about her in this way. I took it as a writing exercise for myself and really enjoyed completing it. Here it is:
1. I like light. Sunshine makes me happy.
2. I fear I will not be the best mom I can be.
3. I crave harmony and simplicity. Physically I usually crave pizza and cookies!
4. I dislike weeds!
5. I honor men and women who live true to themselves and their values.
6. I discontinue using regular cleaners and dish soap. I am trying to purchase more environmentally friendly household products.
7. I require sleep. Naps are a good when I stay up too late which happens too often.
8. I refuse to be too busy.
9. I think a lot. I am always thinking. Sometimes I wish my mind would rest more.
10. I perceive negativity in myself more often that I would like.
11. I disengage when others talk about things I am not interested in.
12. I reject the all-too-typical Mormon understanding of perfection and striving for perfection. I reject the over-emphasis on works and under-emphasis on faith. This makes church talks and lessons a struggle for me at times. "It is only in and through the grace of God that ye are saved ." - 2 Nephi 10:24
13. I loathe the philosophies and ideals of much of corporate America.
14. I worry that I will never find peace and resolution in my life.
15. I enjoy silence.
16. I contemplate what it would be like to have another child.
17. I want to feel more peace and joy in my life. I got a new book this week that I am really excited about to help me in this. You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay
18. I cherish one on one time with my kids. I especially cherish the time I have with Parker and wish I had time like this with the other two.
19. I pray every night that the Lord will watch over us and keep us safe.
20. I value my family.
21. I instigate resolving conflict in my marriage.
22. I regard all mankind as equals.
23. I struggle to make time for myself and really take care of myself.
24. I respect the time and space of others.
25. I wonder what my future holds.
26. I look forward to summer. I can't wait for summer. Even in the heat of Texas I LOVE summer!
27. I treasure my testimony of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

I Take A Lot of Pictures...

I organize pictures on my computer in folders by quarter. At the end of the quarter (or several months later) I go through this file and choose the best pictures to print (~20%).

I took a ton of personal pictures from Oct-Dec of last year (1244 in my Picasa file) - Colorado for my Grandma's funeral, Halloween, Abigail, Christmas photos shoots, etc. I thought there was no way I would take that many pictures again in a quarter. Well, I outdid myself. From January-March of this year I have 1552 pictures in my Picasa file. What the HECK! I don't even know how I got SO many pictures.

I need to sort through and print my Fall 2008 and Winter 2009 folders. That is going to be a task! This quarter I need to tone it down and get back to my 500-700 photo range.

Why Daylight Savings Time and 8:30 Church are NOT our friends...

I'll start with church. Going to church at 8:30 is painful. Pain is what I feel every Sunday morning when I wake up. Today was even worse as it really felt like 7:30 church. Last year we had church at 1:30. A lot of people don't like afternoon church but I do. Bob and I usually have date night on Saturday night. We don't always get home very early and enjoy sleeping in (now that we can) on Sunday morning. With afternoon church, we can get the kids bathed in the morning, have a nice breakfast and with proper planning not feel rushed to get out the door. 8:30 church is hard for us. It is challenging to fit in baths before the babysitter comes and I don't think the babysitter should be responsible for bathing the kids. So most Sundays now our kids go to church not having had a bath for a few days. Not my favorite thing but maybe I just need to accept this for now. It is also hard for us to wake up on Sunday morning because we have usually stayed up late on Saturday night trying to fit in any last minute Saturday chores and projects. So 8:30 church is not my favorite.

Things have been going well lately. Getting the kids to bed and getting them ready for school in the morning has been relatively easy. It has been dark here by 7 so we usually get the kids to bed before 7:30. They generally go to sleep right away and wake up on their own in the mornings. It is getting light by 6:45 in the morning when they need to be up and so it has been a very natural and good schedule for us. We didn't have a single tardy this past 6 weeks which is exceptional for us. The sun and the clocks were working in our favor.

The clocks and sun will not be working in our favor now. Tonight was by far the worst night that we've had getting the kids to bed in a long time. Parker ended up falling asleep on the hard floor with his "star blankies" as his pillow well after 8 o'clock. He lost some of his privileges for the week and cried a lot. We had issues with the other kids as well. It is likely to be rough in the morning as everyone went to bed "late" and will have to wake up in the dark. Hopefully the kids' internal clocks will switch over soon. Hopefully they will also get used to falling asleep in the light or we'll have to invest in black-out shades or something. Wish us luck! Daylight savings at this time of the year is not our friend.

I'M PROGESTERONE DEFICIENT!!!

Disclaimer: Men, if you are not comfortable with the word cycle in relation to women, do not read this.

I have noticed for several months now that there seem to be two sides of me. For half of the month I feel normal, in control of myself and my life. I feel like me. Motivated, productive, happy. For the other half of the month, I feel awful. I feel out of control. I feel weak, grumpy, short-fused, and like I can't handle my life. I get discouraged easily and have a hard time with focus. I have eliminated all but the essentials (school & church) trying to stay healthy but I have still struggled a lot. I couldn't think of one more activity/responsibility that I could get rid of.

About 6 weeks ago, I started to think that maybe something was wrong with me physically - a chemical imbalance of some sort. It didn't feel like only a mental battle. I feel like I know how to manage my mental thoughts to avoid feeling down but this felt different. It felt like something was off. I felt out-of-whack. Thanks to Oprah's shows on hormones, I started researching hormones. I came up with the theory that maybe I didn't have enough progesterone (the calming hormone). I went to a gynecologist that specializes in hormone replacement a month ago. He decided to test my hormones to see if they could find something. We had to wait until day 21 of my cycle. In the meantime I broadened my theory. Because of so much emotional stress (with moving and the challenges of Bob's job), I think I have stopped ovulating. And since I am not ovulating, my body is not making enough progesterone. I am not being naturally calmed (at least for part of my cycle) and this makes life for everyone difficult during this time.

Today was my lab follow-up with the gynecologist. He confirmed my theory. I am very deficient in progesterone. (My other levels looks fine.) My progesterone level should be at least a 10 and it is 1.9. I am thrilled! For awhile, I thought I was going crazy. It is SO comforting and reassuring to know that I am not out-of-control but simply out of balance inside. I am going to start using a natural progesterone cream once/day for the last half of my cycle. I am very hopeful that this simple treatment will help mellow me out and get my body on its way to working well again. I am so relieved and hopeful now. I'll update to let you know if the treatment works. I'm pretty sure it will.

P.S. From what I have read, a lot of women become progesterone deficient around age 30. If you think you might be, do some research and get tested.

Books and me...

I seem to be starting lots of books lately and reading sections of books. I don't seem to be finishing many books right now because I get too intrigued by something new. I'm okay with that. I'm learning a lot.

Here are 3 books I have finished and highly recommend:
The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch
Snow Flower and the Secret Fan by Lisa See
Gift from the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Here are the books I have read from in the past month:

Relating to Hormones:
What Your Doctor May Not Tell You about Premenopause by John Lee
Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom by Christiane Northrup
Avoiding Breast Cancer by Joseph McWherter

Relating to Relationships:
Stand Up for Your Life by Cheryl Richardson
The Parenting Breakthrough and Toss the Guilt, Catch the Joy by Merrilee Boyack
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman

Others:
Michelle by Liza Mundy
Gorgeously Green by Sophie Uliano
Glimpses Into the Life and Heart of Marjorie Pay Hinckley by Virginia H. Pearce

Interesting Quote...

"Women have not been more in touch with their creative instincts in that they have spent so much time succoring others who have been at war - either on the battlefield or in corporate America." - Clarissa Pinkola Estes paraphrased by Christiane Northrop in Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom

Edited: Why this resonates with me...I have not had the energy to pursue my creative instincts especially in regards to my photography business because I have spent so much time helping Bob heal the wounds he receives working in corporate America. Because of the demands of corporate America on Bob's time, I have been singly responsible for succoring our children throughout the day and night. There is not much energy left for my creative pursuits. It made sense to me to relate corporate America with war because I feel there is a battle daily between the expectations of business and the expectations of the Lord in regards to time and family.